The Last Entry
Little Cockroach
LINA — 8:42PM
Hey girl. I saw your text.
I'm really sad you're going through this.
I can stay with you tonight if that makes you feel less lonely.
YOU — 8:44PM
I’m having tea, I can't talk right now.
I’ll see you tomorrow at school… gilr
LINA — 8:46PM
School??
gilr???
Are you high or something??
LINA — 8:50PM
Hey, what's going on??
What do you mean with school???
LINA — 8:55PM
Answer me, for God’s sake!
LINA IS TYPING...
LOW BATTERY…
—-----------------------------------------------
JUNE 4
I saw your mom today.
She hides her pain behind a bottle of pills.
She doesn’t even remember my name. She called me Lila instead of Lina.
She looks like a corpse. I don’t know how to help her.
Jason sold the car.
He says the memory is like a dagger in the chest.
And I…
I'm still looking for your stories.
Those ridiculous memes.
Your laughter.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with these idiots.
Two months ago, their mouths were full of postcard-worthy clichés.
Today they’re all silent.
As if the emptiness wasn’t palpable.
“We miss you, please come back safe. Your friends.”
Plastic hypocrites craving attention even in tragedy.
If they were your “friends,” they’d be here. With me.
Looking for you.
JUNE 6
I drove for hours.
Without realizing it, I ended up staring at the veined brown front door.
I think it’s my own obsession, but I never liked it.
Someone removed the wilted flowers from your porch.
I always wanted to do it myself. Never had the strength.
I wonder who did it…
Your mom is so drugged up by the pain, she barely knows day from night.
And the others, well. You already know what I think of the others.
I prefer to believe it was you.
That you got up one morning and after your tea and emotional chain posts, you decided to take them down.
I also talked to your neighbor.
You were right!
That checkered shirt is absolutely ridiculous.
I imagine he bought it in the 70s and never took it off again.
But putting aside his ridiculousness…
[Written in the margin, in a different handwriting]
Cockroaches. They’re vermin. But poison always gets rid of them.
There was something in his gaze.
It was piercing.
As if he could see right through me.
It’s a strange feeling.
A little dark.
I don’t know what to think.
I’m in my car.
In front of his house.
I’m shaking.
He invited me in for tea.
I said no.
But his warm, concerned voice keeps bouncing in my head.
All I can say is, this whole thing is strange.
I feel something I can’t explain.
There’s a knot in my throat.
Tea…
Tea?
Why does that ring a bell?
I wonder if…
Nothing.
I’m probably just being paranoid.
JUNE 7
I couldn’t sleep last night.
Those eyes creep into my mind like a melody that refuses to fade.
I feel naked writing these entries.
I don’t know how to describe my emotions.
I jump from anger to tears like someone skipping tracks on a playlist.
My brain screams at me to let go.
I’m being honest with you.
I should let go.
My heart won’t allow it.
Even though it’s destroying me slowly.
Like poison.
I’ve been watching videos about your case.
It’s disgusting how little effort they put into finding you.
Of course, there’s no blood to show. Doesn’t sell.
In one of the videos, your neighbor appears.
He said something that caught my attention:
—It’s such a shame. A girl so… I don’t know. So free. With that light in her eyes.
Like a butterfly. Yes. I remember her.
[Written in the margin, in a different handwriting]
Filthy. Damn filthy. Disgusting.
It struck me as too strange.
The guy was sweating, seemed nervous.
Why was he so agitated?
I have to go back.
JUNE 8
I don’t know what to expect, let alone what to say.
“Hey, I came for that cup of tea.”
No. Feels too forced.
Better:
“I love your shirt. The one you always wear.”
I prefer the tea idea.
I’ll try to record the conversation.
There’s something that doesn’t sit right.
I don’t know if it’s the way he talks or the way he looks at me.
But something about him stinks.
I’m going to see him today.
I’ll write everything down when I get back.
JUNE 10
WhisperLure Roach Control Gel: its formula attracts roaches with the food and water they need.
WhisperLure gel starts killing both large and small roaches within hours.
And it did.
See, you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar.
In this case, cockroaches.
What I’ve learned over the years is that this “honey” is sweeter when it’s warm.
Coldness repels, creates resistance.
But flattery…
People love to be flattered. It’s a natural, egocentric reflex.
As the date on this entry shows, today is June 10.
But it’s not just any day.
Today is a memorable day. One of those that gets carved into the flesh.
There was a little cockroach. Filthy.
Disgusting.
Crawling.
Looking for food, warmth.
I gave her all of that.
I gave her Understanding.
Tea with honey is always tempting.
I don’t like being grotesque. I’ve always thought elegance is found in simplicity.
A line here, a compliment there.
They all need that.
Be it a little butterfly flying on a broken wing.
Or a beautiful mermaid that swam against the current and was devoured by a shark.
The sirens’ song is ecstatic. I still hear it.
I hate when people meddle in my business.
I despise it with every fiber of my being.
My life is simple. I have nothing to explain.
I live on memories.
They keep me alive.
The smells, the images, the melodies. They sharpen and preserve my memory.
But cockroaches are invaders.
They sneak in through any crack they can find.
They want to destroy, to contaminate my home, my life, my memories.
But they don’t scream when they die. Unlike butterflies, they just vomit the poison.
All they deserve is a bag, some dirt, and to drown in their own filth.
With love,
Lina.
To uncover the full meaning, read Fragments of a Fragmented Mind. The two stories mirror and complete each other.
That was fragmented alright. I felt like I was on a hiking trail with many switchbacks and then came to a multi forked intersection and the names of the trails on the signs didn't line up with the trails. You were my 393rd bedtime story.
Aşırı sarıyor ve çok akıcı ilerliyor, BAYILDIM 😻❤️ bı sonraki bölüm ne zaman